The myth of love

The Myth of: Love

Guess what? It’s NOT a feeling
What?!  That goes against everything we’ve been taught.  They even wrote songs about it, “….lost that loving feeling.”  Every romantic comedy, love story, poem, Disney movie, romance novel and love song talks about the exciting, overwhelming, passionate love that will “last a lifetime.” We’re told that our “one true love” will show up, know everything about us, what we need, never hurt us, or leave us and always, always, always desire us and  put us first… Our relationship will be effortless.  Like a beautiful dance.  It will come easy to us, we won’t have to try hard at all.  “We’ll just get each other.”  Just thinking about it gets us all starry eyed and lost in a dream… 

Problem is though, that it’s not true.  We’ve been set up from the beginning because it’s completely wrong.  A lie made up by Hollywood and Romance writers to get us to the movies, or to buy books, but totally sets us up for unrealistic expectations.  We’re fooled into wrong thinking that love is “easy” and there’s no heavy lifting involved.  So at the first sign of trouble, the first fading of that “loving feeling” we freak out, become dissatisfied and sometimes bitter and angry.  We always look back to how the love was in the beginning: the excitement, the laughter, the attention, the late night calls and constant expressions of love and affection and wonder what happened? 

Then, we compare our relationships to others’ and even worse, sometimes to characters from our favorite movies like, “The Notebook” & “Titanic” or love stories like “Romeo and Juliet.” We refer to them when we talk about love and our relationships, “Why can’t they be like that?”  Constantly, saddened by what we think is a loss of love (or not perfect love), so we stop trying, have no desire to put in any real effort.  Instead, we start “checking out” emotionally, becoming angry, bitter and looking for an exit strategy. This is why divorce rates in the United States are over 60%! Because we have been fed the lie and keep going back for more.  

Never understanding what older generations knew and appreciated, which is how and why their relationships lasted 50, 60 years… They didn’t focus on fireworks or the “high” of new love. Love was something that you could grow into.  They valued the truth which gave them more realistic expectations: “Love is Not a feeling, it’s a verb, an action that you choose to do daily.” Like exercising, cooking, going to work, taking care of your kids… Love is created by God to be this way.  This is His example to us throughout the Bible.  He ACTS on love for us, even when we do not. Even when He gets nothing in return. He Gives not just to receive, but with a desire to express His love and affection openly until we choose to return it.  This is how we are to love as well.  

It’s a serious change in perspective, but obvious, if you think about it. Like all new things, excitement boils over, then fades. The real love starts after the initial “high” is over.  In reality, all things in life require effort to keep them maintained and working properly.  Your body, your car, your house, your job, your children… These things don’t just fix themselves, take care of themselves.  Someone has to do constant checkups, evaluations and sometimes complete overhauls to get them working the way you want again. 

If we accept that truth, that love is not a feeling, then the loss of that feeling cannot be used as an excuse to walk away from your relationship, your marriage. You wouldn’t just walk away from your house, your car, your job, your children! NO!  You would try to fix it and if you couldn’t, you would get help. You would see a professional. So don’t see this as the loss of something, but instead as an amazing opportunity to create the love you want. To restore it to its intended beauty like a classic car. 

Getting rid of this Myth, is a reason to hope.  You can rebuild your relationship, start over from scratch and have a wonderful life together.  When you get a hold of this concept, it can change your relationship.  You can have the relationship you were meant to have.  Of course, it will take work, time and effort, but the outcome will be well worth it.  I know it can be scary and overwhelming at first, especially if there’s been years of anger, resentment, frustration, lies, arguing, broken trust, cheating… But, that’s why getting help from a good therapist can be what you need to get the result you so desperately desire.  So let go of the Myth and say hello to the truth because you CAN love again if you choose to.

Let me help you rebuild trust, love and affection.  Learn how to communicate better, fight fair and get the family you desire and the marriage you said “I do” to. 

All it takes is one call to connect you to the support you need. Couple's counseling can be just the right thing to bring you back together.  You’ve already done the hardest thing: admitting you need help. You already took the first step.  You’re ready for change.  Now, keep going.  Your 15 minute consultation is free and confidential, so just pick up the phone and call at (760) 490- 0109 or send me an email at  - See more at: